Actress and Writer.
A full-time professional-training student at Royal Conservatoire of Scotland's BA Performance.
Currently Freelancer.
Founder/Artist Director of Turtléar.

My name is Jan and this is my story...


She told me she have to move on...
and I knew it.

My name is "Jan". Look back at 13 years ago, I was very alone and sad, don't know how long I had been there for in the shop. I was so lost, very tiny and frighten. I never forget how happy I was when EJ found me, and fell in love with me. She adopt me right away. I can't speak, I can't make any communicate to her but she still love for who I am. She always take care of me, I always see her every day, always go out with her every day. At few of night times, she let me to rest in her own home while she going out for a night out.

Every day I carrying everything for her, no matter how light or heavy stuffs, I still love her. And she knew, smiling. That's her own way of communicate to me that she loves me too. I fell in love with Georgia "GJ", EJ's daughter, too... I first met her when she was 2. She was so blonde, never stop chatting. I never forget how cute it was by ride on her back. She was very energy wee girl!! And I was there when EJ's other child was born... Later on I found his name is Zack, suddenly got bond with all the Raymond family.

My journey was so amazing experience... She took me to everywhere in UK since she first found me. I went to London, Edinburgh, Pitlochry, Dundee, Newcastle, even Salou in Spain. But not only travel... EJ also took me to Ayr College, where she was studied Performing Arts for two years, attending her auditions, performance, even I often relax while she continue to writing the stories. I enjoying to watch her to tell the stories to GJ what she had been wrote about. I visited theatres companies where EJ has rehearsals in, then big theatres where she performed in. One day, I was so surprised that EJ had a suggested to Solar Bear's boss, Gerry, that she want to performing with me in it. I was so nerves but complete trust in EJ because she know the best. Because she love me. I felt so famous, just a bit! Again, I was shocking at few weeks later when GJ begged to her mum that she want to take me to her performance, on the stage again. "I would love Jan to have a great journey!" EJ told her. I can't tell you how excited I was, another performing on the stage!! GJ took me to Fife. Amazing.

I was there to see EJ suffering on/off. Since I can't make any communicate to her, she never stop love me. Because I never being blame and/or got angry/shout at me from her. I witness her to fell ill by flu, bad cough, feel so shit, sore throat or/and muscle aches and go on. But she never throw me away. I never got so ill or anything. I always be there for her, always ride on her back and she love me. "I can't go without Jan!" I once caught her told one of her friends. I feel so love. I never forget when she first found me, her first words was "That's so perfect!" I felt so special and still am. EJ was so heartbroken when my lips accident got caught and cannot to opened my lips. But she heal me. I only manage to opening my mouth 80% wide, however, she still love me. She got upset again when I got my lips stuck shut so she spend an hour to heal me again and I was so thankful that she is indeed a healer and I got my lips back, still 80%. I enjoying to have EJ to draw all over my face, just for laugh, and her children joining in. It was so brilliant to see them have their fun! I once help her to collect the money for Comic Relief back in 2005 while we travel down into Newcastle for her audition at same time to collect the money. She raise about almost £200! Love to see her to smile for something we can help at each other! But it was not only one good news... While she doing an audition of Channel4/BBC Talent for Disabled Actors, she got in! That's how I travel down in London with her. Great memories.

As I grew older, EJ still taking me at everywhere no matter what. I went in at several of theatre companies, visiting the shows I can't tell you how many times I went because we both love films and shows. I was in a big awe when see the interpreters on the stage. That's how EJ can understand while watch the show because she is profoundly deaf. I wish I can signing to her but I can't. But I knew what she was thinking, as well as she knew me.
Everyone seem know me. Because they knew EJ can't go without me. Even Zack, he knew his mum cannot let me go. Sometimes I ride on Zack's back, to give EJ a bit break and it was such a good laugh to ride on him. He LOVES running!! EJ's mum, she took me with her sometimes as well. Some of them thinking EJ was so crazy, to bringing me around with her. However, they knew I am very useful because if they need pens so bad, I have it. If they need to have their arms a break from carrying their stuffs, I volunteer to carrying their stuffs. EJ and I are very good with sharing to the others who need.

I went through everything with EJ, no matter if its good or bad days, and what the weather were like, she still love me. We both loathe rain. EJ can to heal herself from raininess afterward... But I can't. I became to so worn out, from worse to worst. This which to broke EJ's heart because she cannot to healing me now. Both my shoulders had been pulled but not rip off from my body. She take care of me, still.

She staring at me for a bit whole. I can see how much she was so heartbroken by look at her sad face. She had me for that longer. I saw her talking to Ciaran, her colleague from Solar Bear's who she is working with through their 16-months apprentices. Ciaran knew EJ love me. He was shocking, so am I, when she told him: "I have to let Jan go. He's so worn out." But I knew it. She was right... and was not so pleased. However, we both knew it is time for both of us to move on. I feel so sad and very weakness.

But when we got home, EJ took a look at me again. I noticed her smiling, her lips get so beautiful, as I read her thought: "I may let you go before I start university in late summer 2015. But I won't let you out of my sight." I was a bit confused for a bit. Not out of her sight? What did it mean? But see her smiling... And I realised. What she mean was, that she refused to give me up. She keep me for good. But only take me with her only for lighter times, not too heavy. She will adopt other one but won't stop love me.

All of this, because she love me. And she swear she won't give me away until she die, I will be with her and ash mixing together in the future when it was her time is come.

I carried all of her best memories since she adopt me 13 years ago. And memories stay that way forever. I'm her only favourite, and the one of hers best. Since 2000 and I may be stop my journey around her in 2015, but I will rest, and enjoying to spending my retirement time around her. Her smiling will keep me "alive" forever until time for her to go... And I will come with her.

That's my story and stay in EJ's memories forever.

Jan the Backpack.


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